HUMBLING STARTERS

I’ve been married once, and divorced once. What a way to begin a Christian article, right?

What did I learn? So much. I could probably write a book on what I learned. It’s not just what I learned from and about the relationship I was in, but how the relationship issues I experienced correlate with all serious relationships. And as a Christ-follower, I feel compelled to take what I’ve learned (about anything, but in this case, marriage) and share it. May it bless you according to God’s will for you.

TAKE THE TIME TO MAKE IT RIGHT

When a person learns something from an important experience, the best way to apply it isn’t just to use the wisdom in one situation, but to use the new information in as many departments of life as possible. For instance, one thing I learned is how imperative it is to take the time to get to know someone, and just how relative time works with different people. That one lesson alone can be applied to any relationship (friend or more than friend). For some people, it may feel like we’ve known a person our whole life within a few minutes, but with others, it feels like it could take years and years to figure out one thing about them because of how they behave and think.

Whatever the case, whatever the relative feeling of time, take the time needed to know someone. There’s no rush when it’s the right person, because their love for you won’t fall away. Unconditional love doesn’t give up, just like God’s love for His children has no end.

ESTABLISHING TRUST

Trust works in the same way way: It takes time to really know we can trust someone, and admit that trust to them without fear of them abusing it. The reason why is because people change over time. Trust is affected by the relationship between how people respond to the changes in their own lives, and the way that change in their lives impacts us. It’s not as easy as just one incident. What about change over the course of time, or many changes overlapping during a rough patch? When we underestimate the importance of establishing trust over time, we undermine the strength of that trust entirely by superimposing it behind a relationship that isn’t ready to be held up by it yet.

Marriage isn’t something to take lightly. Many people want to be together, but they’re afraid of getting married. Why? It couldn’t possibly be the fear of their own signature on paper. It must be more significant than that. Of course, it’s obviously the commitment.

We know commitment is a big deal. It means we’re in it for the long haul. Through thick and thin, no matter what. But what if the person becomes unattractive? What if a decision they make breaks our trust and it takes years and years to rebuild—what then? What if they really aren’t the person we know them to be? There are so many questions that can cause us to hesitate towards a promise to another person that we’ll stay no matter what.

This is where God comes in and saves the day.

SEEK GOD’S KINGDOM FIRST, ALWAYS

How many of us are told and reminded to seek God before anything else? Seek first His kingdom, and then all your desires will be added to you (Matthew 6:33) Do we understand what it’s telling us? What does it mean that our desires will be added to us? It means that our desire for Jesus changes our desires in our lives, and even adds new ones. Which in turn means that our desires for a partner will also be impacted by our desire for God. What we desire for ourselves, and maybe even more importantly—what we desire to be able to give to someone like that—all changes according to our faith.

Why is this so important? Let’s look deeper. We choose our desires for ourselves when we don’t know God in Jesus. Guess what those lead to?

Fear (Of what? Being betrayed, lied to, cheated on, etc.).

So guess what our desire for Christ and His kingdom will lead to? Further faith in His kingdom manifesting itself through the way He molds our desires to fit who He created us to be. Meaning, fear will have no place in our lives or relationships because it will all be centered on our pursuit of His kingdom. In other words, God won’t send us someone who will take us away from our faith, or someone who won’t bless us nor whom we won’t bless. He’ll send someone fitting for the way His kingdom will rule our lives in this Earthly realm while we wait for His real kingdom to come later.

ONLY ROOM FOR ONE TYPE OF FEAR

Think about this for a moment if you need. Once we change our desire to align with what Jesus wants, our fear of those questions that cause us to hesitate before entering into a serious commitment with someone we sincerely care about simply dissipates. The only place fear is capable of being manifested is anywhere there isn’t already a fear of God.

Our fear of God eliminates our fear of anything not of God. Remember this. Write it down if you prefer. Keep it safe in your spirit. Fear of anything that is not of God can only exist when we do not fear God first.

LEARNING HOW TO TRUST

Any relationship is incomplete without some sort of established trust. Learning to trust someone is made easier by practicing our trust in God, first. Just like fear—fear God first, and then there’s no more fear left to give the world. Trust God first, and then the process of extending trust to someone special is made less intimidating. How? Trusting in God is literally refining the very foundation of what makes trust so powerful, and therefore so risky. God is the most trustworthy source in all of existence. If we understand how and why to trust God (because He always comes through on His promises), then we know the importance of someone else prioritizing their fear of and trust in God, before they learn to trust us. Our spouse making their fear of God their priority makes them more trustworthy. Our spouse (or spouse-to-be) cannot lack trust in the Lord without first lacking a fear of Him, and their lack of fear of God makes them less trustworthy, if trustworthy at all.

A LACK OF FEAR OF GOD HURTS THOSE WE LOVE

There’s two things right out the gate that are so powerful and yet so underestimated. We think we know people when we don’t. We extend deep trust too soon and then are broken by intimacy that wasn’t ready to be shared yet. Our relationships have large pieces of shrapnel lodged into place because we have so much fearing puncturing every area of the relationship that we don’t trust God in first, and that overflows into the way we speak to, and treat, our loved ones.

PUT ON YOUR ARMOR, AND THEN SERVE

A man of God (or woman) puts God first. Always. Prayer time, Bible-reading, it all comes before we give ourselves to our relationships. The world will eat us alive if we don’t. The sin in this world is overwhelmingly exhaustive. Without the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18), we are vulnerable to the tactics of the enemy, who is always looking to steal and kill (John 10:10). Why give him so much power? Just pray, fear God, love God, and then serve your spouse. Otherwise, it’s just another relationship waiting to fall apart.

There is so much I’ve learned about relationships and marriage. In fact, I’ve learned so much that I am now more selective in searching for someone now. And I am grateful to God for that discernment and carefulness. I fear God without a doubt, and I’ve made mistakes I don’t intend to make again, out of reverence for God and “sinning no more.” The desire to please God comes from our fear of not revering Him.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? 

What have you learned on your journey about relationships and placing fear of God before finding someone? What would you like to read more about on this blog?

I pray you would be blessed today, and that you have something to take with you on your road towards closer intimacy with our Lord and Savior, Jesus, today and always. It is in the name of Jesus that I ask this, amen.