I lost any sense or normalcy or hope following my parents divorce; my scarce understanding of God hindered my ability to recognize my need for Him. My only view of life was that of pain, loss, and heartbreak. 

UNAVOIDABLE CRISIS

Though I longed for connection, I couldn’t recognize my own needs through my brokenness. My thoughts kept looking back instead of forward, and it felt as though I was forbidden to feel positive, impassioned, or loved. My world had turned on me from the inside; the most dangerous threat—me versus myself. 

My identity, originally positioned and balanced steadily in the grasp of the promise of family, was now left in the hopelessness of despair and depression. I did not know God. I knew temporal pleasures; desire for attention, the excitement of new gifts—the relief of affection. But when profound loss took hold of me, I couldn’t focus on what I had anymore; or rather, I chose to focus on what I wanted back, instead of what I already had. The ripple effect kept me in a loop of sadness, anger, loss, and the feeling that this new world I’d never wanted was all I’d ever have.

LAST PILLAR OF A SAFE EXISTENCE

When my motivation to retain the memories of my past was exhausted, I couldn’t handle the pressure of the threat of losing the last piece of what I believed was holding me together. That is when the last of my feelings of belonging, security, and safety were crushed into despair. There was nowhere in the back of my mind where I felt I could hide my last shred of hope, and I was reluctantly bracing for the impact of a world flipped upside-down. I knew this meant life was closing the door on the one fundamental pillar of my sense of existence had depended on for all my life up to that point, and there was no going back. 

FALSE IDENTITY IN HINDSIGHT

Looking back as a 29-year-old man, I understand my parents’ divorce didn’t and doesn’t define my life. I’ve learned what defines a person is what takes up the space in their heart. My heart had been damaged at an comprehensible level I didn’t have the inner tools to handle in a healthier way, and so it shattered my whole world at a young age.

During my college years, I allowed myself to revisit and invite spirituality into my life. It took many years after having been evangelized to by a Christian friend before I came to understand my soul more clearly. There was a lot of emotional baggage from my past that hadn’t been healed. At that time, I was more able to see who I was capable of being at my worst; that my struggles had defined me and God’s identity for me in Christ had not. I had chosen to allow pain and anger to define me for many years, and I hadn’t forgiven or moved on. I hadn’t accepted the pain—I had merely tolerated it and tried to withstand the devastating repercussions of untouched emotional wounds.

THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD

Realizing who we are is the body of our story on Earth. This is what I came to understand after I left Florida and found myself in California. 

Jesus Christ is my Lord and my best friend. But I didn’t know that until I moved to California and felt His presence come alive in me. If you’re wondering what that feels like, I can’t promise you that what it felt like then and what it feels like for me today is what it would feel like for you. God’s presence is like so many things. For me, it’s like wiping the dust and dirt off of my glasses and my eyes and peering into the world without distraction or filter. His presence feels like clarity, bringing satisfaction to the soul even if it doesn’t bring complacency to the body. God’s presence reveals the beauty behind everything, even in spite of disaster, and it opens my eyes to witness the majesty that is behind His creation: His fingerprint, His signature; His love. 

A POLISH TO UNDERSTAND THE REAL BEAUTY

The reason why it’s important to keep the past in mind is to understand the way God works through pain, suffering, and adversity. The past isn’t the dictionary of our soul. Many times the past acts as a playbook, revealing the ins and outs of how this or that happened and as a response, we made decisions we’ve learned from now.

The past is only a polish for the true beauty of believing there is more to this life and its agonies than living in the misery of unwise decisions we weren’t ready not to make. We’re not here to hold up facades or be defined by our pain; we are here to come to know who we are through Jesus. With Jesus, we hold a higher purpose through our pain. 

STUCK IN THE PAST

Everyone has a story to tell, and everyone’s past plays a significant role in the way we choose to move forward. The problem is, we cannot move forward if we choose to live in the past. This is why hindsight is a blessing: we’re able to look into the past to remember why our present is so much more important. Staying stuck in the past (a time period we can no longer change) is a toxic mentality that doesn’t serve anyone. The past can’t be undone, but what we do now impacts tomorrow.

SIGNIFICANT ROLES AND EXPECTATIONS

The past isn’t meant for dwelling, but rather, it’s meant to be a reference point for improvement. Our pain is a way of reminding us why we should avoid making the same mistakes again. Even feelings of doubt can play a significant role in pointing out why we might be skeptical about one thing but more open to another. If we depend on circumstance rather than placing hope in something beyond this life (salvation through Jesus), then we set ourselves up for disappointment, constantly wishing our present would live up to an expectation that it could never achieve.

THERE IS ONLY HOPE, THERE IS ONLY NOW

This is life when our past controls us: we refuse to learn from the pain of our past rather than use the pain to clarify our present. This is disbelief in the face of a world that contends a purposeful life where God works through our greatest hopes to help us reap the benefits of maturing through the pain we experience. Here, we let release the acrimony of past emotional bondage and cling to the hope that God instills in us through Christ. Here, we experience His presence and come to know Him not only through Scripture, but through personal testimony, prayer, community, nature, and the sensations in our heart spirit reminding us we are not alone.

I am not my parents’ divorce, one of the most painful experiences of my existence. You, too, are not your worst pain. Through Christ, we are made stronger because of our pain and through our pain, and our Lord God promises we will never be alone, nor will we ever be forsaken (Deuteronomy 31:6).

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